All of this going on with my heart as of late has left my mind to wander those deep, dark recesses it likes to meander through. You know, the ones that like to call to you when no one or anything else is around to distract you from them. Perhaps I am the only one who has them? I doubt it.
I wake often with a heavy chest. Sometimes to sudden pain so intense, if I didn’t know better, I would think my heart was about to explode. But, it only lasts for a few seconds, then the pain lessons and all that I am left to feel is heaviness.
Last year was disgustingly awful on the household. Therefore I don’t properly feel as if I had enough time with the boys before I left Indiana. It isn’t that I feel homesick so much as I feel childless sick.
It was a good idea, for my mental and emotional well-being, that I left quickly to new surroundings instead of trying to empty nest where we used to live as a family unit. I don’t feel like I could take the empty part well still living at the apartment. Although I can be the hermit type, I was not ever that way with my boys. Loved having them around. Either in the same room or at least under the same roof. I don’t speak of it much, but I miss those guys dearly. Seriously feel as if part of me is missing. Yet, at the same time, I know those parts are supposed to be gone and out into the world; exploring, learning, growing.
I dare-say, I feel if I talk about missing them, it will only make the pain worse. So In keeping up with true form, I stuff it all down and away. Could this be why my heart hurts?
I have read about broken heart syndrome. Although I’m not grieving a real loss of my children, thank goodness. I am, all the same, grieving a sense of loss on some level. So co-dependent of me to say. However, how can you put two beings needs above your very own for the better part of 20 plus years and not be a bit co-dependent on those beings?
I never in my wildest dreams thought this empty nester stuff would physically hurt so much. Earlier this evening I had another episode of just “checking out”. I don’t know what else to call it. I don’t know if it’s passing out, a seizure or I’m falling asleep. Regardless of what it is, it’s alarming to those around me who find me sprawled out on the ground. It’s alarming to me when I come to and have no idea what’s going on or why I’m being picked up off the ground. Makes me ever more leery to venture outside unattended. Just what I need … more fuel for the ever-growing anxiety of leaving the house. Nearly passed out at the GI Specialist’s office from sheer nerves. Was so visibly rattled that the doctor noticed the tremor in my hand. Couldn’t articulate to save my life either. Couldn’t find my words. Words are kinda my thing. I like words. I explained it to Sis as if I were reading a marquee sign in my head. I can see them, read them, know them … I simply can not voice them properly in a complete sentence.
I do hope wearing this monitor for the next 30 days helps get a little closer to some answers.