I do my very best to not let my posts become too dark, or at the very least as dark I really am inside. Anyone with bipolar know it’s not happy trees with pretty colors in our world. For sure not when we are in our lows.
The whole month of November is a low for me because I feel guilt still 11 years later for not giving Mom my undivided attention in her last months of life. Is the whole reason I moved up there. I’ve tried letting go of the guilt but I pick it right back up when it’s time to continue on.
Now, Christmas is fast approaching and it’s been nearly a year since I’ve laid eyes on my boys. I’m on no mood for this Holiday at all. I’m in Florida and how in the world do you get in the mood for Christmas when it’s 70 degrees outside? It looks so alien to me seeing the decorations and lights up next to green trees and palms. I’ve had the “hum bug” syndrome for many years now and this only feeds that. Thought this year it would be a bit different because my Sister absolutely loves Christmas. She puts up many beautiful trees and decorations galore. But, not so much … I’m still giving Ebenezer Scrooge a run for his hum buggedness.
I’ve been actively seeking a therapist in my area, but the ones I’ve contacted thus far are either not taking new patients, not accepting my insurance, or not accepting new patients with my insurance. Makes me want to throw my hands up and give up. Usually I do, for the day that is, when I’ve called the 4th or 5th one.
For now, all I know is the shadows of the past are haunting my today’s.