My Demons – The Torment …

Normally, my thought process is all over the place.  Much like the spider web above, it has a center hub that all thoughts start from and it just sprouts out from that.  But, I always keep a line of communication back to the original thought.  In case I need to reference it again.  How does one keep track?  Notes, lots and lots of sticky notes and note pads.  Stationary stores love me!  This morning I was prepared to write about this whole rambling experience I have been having with my thoughts as of late, but of course, my meds kicked in and started working. So, my thoughts have been quelled.  However, I will go over medications.

Originally I was on Risperidone 1 mg 2 times daily.  However, it didn’t quite work for me.  I was still seeing things regularly.  The last straw were snakes.  I can not handle snakes on any day.  Real or otherwise.  So, the doc switched me to Rexulti.  Started out with 1 mg Risperidone in the morning and 1 mg Rexulti at night and have worked up to 2 mg Rexulti at night and have come off the Risperidone.  

On the combo of Rexulti and Risperidone my thoughts were all over the place, very restless, couldn’t sit still, didn’t sleep for more than 3 to 4 hours and jibber-jabbered on from one topic to another.  Rarely finished a project but started many.  I couldn’t stay focused at all.  These characteristics are not me.  My norm is laid back, introverted, quiet unless I know you well.  I will converse and joke with a dry, sarcastic, sometimes silly sense of humor.  I am a, say what I mean and mean what I say kinda gal.  I tend to listen more than speak.  On the combo of meds, my mouth ran non-stop.  Whatever thought popped in my head had a direct line out of my mouth.  Not always a good thing!  An overwhelming sense of agitation while on the combo would over come me as well.  I deal with depression with anger most days.  Am not the weeping type.  When it gets to the point that I’m weeping, it’s time to seriously consider getting me to the hospital.  Pronto! 

Have such a difficult time opening this jar of what’s bottled up inside.  I do know I need to let it out.  So that I may have peace and move forward.  I push so many away.  Physically, I’m ruining my health with all of my mental baggage I’m lugging around.  If I could only stop and empty the buckets of bullshit.  Just dump them off the side of a mountain.  Or leave it lay where I take this yolk of past off my shoulders. Forever, I pick the yolk back up at some point and continue to carry on with it.  Only, for a brief moment, do I rest my shoulders of its weight.   Why?  Only I have that answer …

It’s more the torture of the Pit and the Pendulum than Poe’s The Raven  that swirls through my noggin on any given day.  However, I have my own squawking Raven that follows. This one has a third eye and did long before the one of Game of Thrones.  I suppose its a protector of sorts.  Possibly a spy as well. Hell, I don’t know.  It’s followed for so long now,  I’m used to it.

Regardless, at some point, faith is what needs to be held onto.  Choose your poison carefully.  Make sure it fits you as perfectly as this world knows perfect.  We all need something to see us through this arduous journey.   I grew up in a very strict Christian home and I bucked it as an adult.  Refused to lean upon it.  But I found Eastern Philosophy comforting and easy to follow.  Which lead me to Buddhism.   I find much comfort a solace in meditation.

Telling myself to … Take a stand for yourself because no one else will.  Not to the level you deserve.  Be your own voice and advocate.  Go to bat for yourself!  Speak up!  Yes, depression hurts.  Yes, the past hurts.  Yes, bringing it all up again … HURTS.  But, do it!  Heal!  Become a better version of yourself.  Be the change you seek.  Experience the metamorphoses.  Grow.  Fly! ~


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