Schizoidaffective disorder, such a clinical word. I can smell the bleach that accompanies the clinical side of such a coupling of words. What I hope to accomplish in this entry is to remove some of the clinical and bleach and incorporate some emotion and personality. Bringing feeling to something that no one wants to feel. Without any further ado: Let’s get started!
In the previous entry –
I covered the
- Clinical definition
- Cycles of symptoms &
- Four known categories of causes
With this entry I will dive into a personal glimpse of my cycle of symptoms with one I did not cover in the last entry and that is paranoia. There is no rhyme or reason to personal cycle of symptoms and they vary from person to person and episode to episode. Some might stay rather consistent and can time their cycles like clock work, I however am not one of those. I am a rather sporadic cyclist and they vary from episode to episode. In no particular order these are the nuts and bolts of an episode for me.
Delusions: by definition, delusions are false, fixed beliefs that are held regardless of contradictory evidence. I am only in a deluded state when I see things others do not see. At this stage, I am beyond convinced what I am seeing is real and can not be swayed otherwise. When in this state of reality, I feel I’m on a different plane than anyone else, because I also hear what others don’t hear. More on that next in the hallucinations category. This is the most out of touch with reality point I have been. I will normally teeter between cognitive and sheer madness. When I have reached delusions is when I need professional medical help.
Hallucinations: I experience auditory and visual hallucinations when un-medicated, often several times a day or continuously. I can and normally am very much cognitive and very much in everyone else’s realm of reality when experiencing such hallucinations. I see people, hear them speak to me as I can speak to them and can carry on a conversation with them in my own head as well as vocally. I can at times have olfactory hallucinations. This is where I smell things others do not smell. I’ve seen ants pour forth from every opening and drain in the bathroom and no one else could see this happening. Such hallucinations can be quite frightening. As well, they can be quite frightening for others to watch and experience.
Manic Behavior: is where I will experience feelings of euphoria, racing thoughts, and periods of high energy. My speech will become fast and scattered. I will have what is called a Flight of Ideas; this is where one idea after another will race through my mind and hit my brain like a rock on glass. As with any rock hitting glass, it splinters into a million tiny spiderweb-like lines outward into a circle. That is how it feels when an idea crosses my mind during the manic stage. And that just happens over and over again. So, I’m running in FF>> all the time. Too bad my body doesn’t follow along very well these days. But, my mouth and my brain are going a 1000 miles a minuet. Much like this …
Depressed Mood: Everyone has felt down in their lifetime at some point. Felt a little blue perhaps. Sad. I can’t express times how much because I do not feel how depressed you reading may have ever felt or are feeling at this very moment, however, I can get down to the very bottom of my well. To the very point of wanting that well to fill with water and I would not care at all, but welcome the water with open arms. Would be almost relieved to have that water wash over me during those times. Yet, thankfully, the well doesn’t fill.
I have feeling of utter hopelessness. Feeling completely worthless to even myself and especially anyone else. Which is why I find comfort in being single. I am only disappointing myself when I become this low. I have no one but my boys relying on me and myself. If I had a significant other at this point would be utter devastating to my self worth because I would make it as such. Which leads me to …
Paranoia: You’ve heard the phrase, ‘I am my own worst enemy”, right? Well, I am mine. The phrase is true and real, in my case. As I started to hit on above, I would self-sabotage any relationship I had. Here is why. I would constantly doubt and wonder if I was “enough” for that person. I would question their intentions when it came to me, outwardly and secretly in my own mind. I would wonder why they were with me, but would be too afraid to ask them directly. Secretly I would think they were talking about me behind my back. Every phone conversation they would have in front of me would be about me, when in reality, would have nothing at all to do with me. Every person they spoke with in my company, they would eventually have had some secret conversation about me behind my back. All these secret conversations will have been in jest at my expense. Something about me they will find hilarious and poke fun of it behind my back. Do you see the madness? That is my paranoia. That someone is making fun of me behind my back. All the while, I am loving them unbeknownst.
That, in a nutshell, is my cycle. I can cycle like that several times in a day. Which is exhausting! Last week, before being hospitalized, I was cycling anywhere from 3 to 5 times an hour. I’m on medication now and do not cycle now. I’m just tired all the time now from the medication. Actually fell asleep writing this mid-way for about an hour. Head on the keyboard and everything. Not a pretty picture … lol.
As I stated last time, if you or anyone you love is in need of Mental Health help, please do not hesitate to call 911. They are there to help you!