I have known friends who have ended their lives. Acquaintances who I have heard about. Friends who have lost loved ones in such a manner. However, I have not been subjected to suicide hitting as close to home as it has this week. I ask for your forgiveness up front if I ramble and repeat myself. If I question the same questions. Most of all … if this whole post simply doesn’t make any sense. My head is in a fog and I feel as if I’m in and out of some sort of delirium.
First, I’m not sure why this has affected me to this extent. It’s not as if we were in close contact with one another or that I even knew my cousin like the back of my hand. I did not. However, he and I did have one of those relationships that no matter how much time had passed it was easy to talk to him. As if no time at all had passed between visits. There was an ease there, with he and I. Comfortable. He definitely was a kindred spirit. His laugh. I want to bottle that chuckle and keep it for eternity. He was easy to get tickled. And his boyish grin … no matter how old he was his still kept that grin. It’s simply not right that he is gone! I wasn’t ready!
I didn’t know the depths of his despair. Not that I could have made a difference but I would have liked to had the chance to try. I’ve been to my bottom, I can only imagine what his bottom looked like. What demons haunted him? What did he endure to that point? What pushed him to that edge and over? Do I want to know? I will never know.
This much I do know … he was so much more than his end. He had a huge heart. Loved animals more than people. Enjoyed expensive coffee and fine food. He was kind and empathetic to a fault. His smile was enchanting along with the twinkle in his eyes that came with it. He was giving and gave the best hugs.
My heart aches.
To know I will never get the chance to tell him how much I admired his resolve and resilience. How very admirable his kind-heartedness was. I hate that I took for granted that I would have a tomorrow to tell him all this. For there are no more tomorrows…