Chasing After Inspiration When in a Perpetual State of Suck

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Read this article yesterday.  Something just drew me into it.  I don’t usually get drawn in the way this one did, especially having such a negative headline.  It read …

Hate To Break It To You But You Are The Reason Your Life Sucks So Much

See what I mean?  Yea … exactly!   But, my life was/is in a state of perpetual suck.  2016 … and I mean the whole damn year, was nothing but plain, unadulterated shit.  Becoming ill the way I did.  Losing my independence to the level in which I have.  Having to push back my pride and actually ask for help … that’s so not me.  If anyone’s motto was ever “I do it myself” … it was mine.  Not so much these days.  I have to rely on my sons and their significant others or friends for transportation to run little errands.  Have a home health aide now that comes twice a week to help me with simple everyday tasks.  Found euphoria from pain for the first time in about 10 years but, was allergic to euphoria.  So … back to pain I went.

I’ve run the gauntlet of suck in 2016.  Needless to say, I was wallowing in it like a pig in slop.  Actually got quite used to it, as one would when you know nothing else day in and day out.  I’m not saying that whole article was my wake up call, but it sure played a big role in it.  Really opened my eyes to how much emphasis I was putting into the actual suck of it all and not at all looking at anything positive.  At first, I was so stuck in the suck that I really had to look hard for the positive.  But, it was there!

The article says, ” If you want your life to get better than start living like it. ”  Now, I have a few physical limitations that are keeping me from actually living the way I would like to live my life.  I’d give just about anything to go rappelling again.  But, that isn’t going to happen. 

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Man … what a day that was!  At least I have those memories and I can say, “I did that!”.

So, I’m chasing my inspiration.  I’m making a turn around in my thought process and picking myself up out of the suck.  Hope is now my muse for 2017.  Big things happening!  Big changes coming down the pipe line.  April 1st is the date to look out for.  No fool’s joke! 

Today was the first day pulling out of the suck and the muck.  Shit got real.  I like real!  Real feels good!  Real hurts physically, but when do I not hurt?  Tomorrow is another day and it will hurt then too.  Pushing through the hurt … Pushing past the physical hurt.  Keeping my eye on Hope.

Today … the plants got thrown out.  All but two have died.  I should have given them away when the two ladies I had picked out wanted them.  They would have at least lived.  That hurts.  I loved my plants.  I had one for over 20 years and had been with me through 3 states.  Gone.  My sound silly, but tonight I mourn the loss of those precious plants.  However, I don’t linger there long.  Then I nurture the two that made it.

Hope is the muse … the positive … the prize. 

Think I can’t do it?

Watch me …


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